mellymell: (me at arches 2005)
So, I'm shifting from a thinking mode to an action mode again. But I feel like there's unfinished business and that's a little frustrating. Lestat's words, "a vision without revelation" echo in my mind. But I can't force myself back into contemplation mode and even if I could, I'm not sure revelation would come. I feel like I'm grasping at something that's slipping away. It's just not happening right now. Maybe it's what I'm reading. Memnoch the Devil just isn't holding me like the rest of it has. It's so full of Christian doctrine and lore and none of that has ever stuck to me much, though not for lack of trying. And here I thought I wanted to read Dante and Milton next.

One thing I did learn is for me, it seems a period of inspiration has to be prefaced by one of reflection. Maybe that's the only revelation I'm to gain this time around; a deeper understanding of my processes. I'm feeling very inspired to create right now and that was born out of the contemplative phase. Costuming/sewing is calling. Jewelry making is calling. Drawing/sketching is calling. Gardening is calling. Running is calling. I'm pulled in five directions right now and a little paralyzed not knowing which direction to run in first. So, I'm trying to slow myself down a bit and take one step at a time, hoping burn out will be less likely if I don't run after my muse.

And on a completely unrelated and off the wall note: while watching Alice in Wonderland the other day, I decided I want to do a Mad Tea Party for my 30th birthday. Costumed of course! Guess I better start collecting tea pots. ;)

mellymell: (me at arches 2005)
Because there's a B in both and a N in neither. )
mellymell: (me at arches 2005)
Those of you who know me personally know I've experienced a fair share of deaths close to me in my life, both murders and unexpected natural deaths. A friend here has just experienced a tragedy and it's brought some thoughts to mind about grief and consolation. I feel as though I've learned a little more about how to grieve and get on with life with every loss I experience. But, at the same time, I'm completely unable to offer that knowledge, wisdom, whatever it is to others in the throes of grief. I'm not sure what it is but when someone near to me experiences a loss, all I can think to say are cliche condolences, even if they are heartfelt. I remember being on the other end of those cliche condolences and feeling like telling the people giving them to me that they didn't really need to say those things. Kind of a "thanks, but you shouldn't have." But I still can't think of anything better to say. I feel like by now, I should be an expert at consoling people, but really I'm only able to cope with my own grief. It's not even that I feel like people necessarily need to hear some gem of wisdom on how to cope with their loss. I just have feelings of inadequacy when I'm unable to find words that are honestly comforting, like whatever I say won't be good enough. Then again, I guess it's not the words that matter at the time, it's just being there for someone, even if just to walk the dog or bring a hot meal. But when you're unable to physically be there for someone, you feel obligated to come up with something comforting, anything. I go back and forth in my mind between, "well, it doesn't matter, they know you care" and "what the hell, you've been through this, you should know how to help them." I guess I have to remember that everyone grieves in their own way and every loss is different. It may be that my words and thoughts are paralyzed because my insight is in how to deal with my own losses and may not possibly be of help to anyone else.

Anyway, know that I care and you're in my thoughts.

Now on to my own mundane existence and whatever that entails )
mellymell: (Default)
My child is beating himself in the head with a frying pan.

Now before someone calls child services on me for letting him, it is a small toy, aluminum frying pan. That doesn't make it any less strange, just less serious. I'm pretty sure he likes the ringing sound it makes. Then, when he saw me laughing at him, he started doing it to make me laugh. They're such performers.

I spent much of the weekend and part of last week learning how to go in up to 5 directions at once and actually be productive in each direction (not to be confused with multitasking, this is one task at a time, just many interests being juggled over a given period of time). I've got a little under 50 pages left to read in The Renaissance Soul : Life design for people with too many passions to pick just one (ugh, almost 2 years later and I still can't shake AACR2 formatting when I write book titles). [ profile] chrystalline blogged about her excitement over the book and as I read her experience with it, I snagged a cheap used copy at Amazon immediately. I got it last week and I'm nearly done with it and my first set of exercises to get going in the five interests I chose to pursue at this moment in my life (yeah, I couldn't narrow down to the suggested four, but she said up to five are ok, just no more than five). I have attainable goals set out in each category, or as she calls them, focal points, the longest of which only lasts for 8 months.

My focal points, because putting them here holds me accountable )
mellymell: (me at arches 2005)
Watched the eclipse last night from the comfort of our couch. I love our big arched window in the den. I frequently watch the sky go by, day or night. You could see it from any of our back windows really until about 10:30 or 11pm, at which point it was too high in the sky and we went to bed.

Working on myself again. Feels pretty good, though much more work to be done. More later.

Exciting news in the maybe traveling realm. No news on the San Fransisco conference yet, but positive things said about it ("I don't see a problem with that."). Providing it's approved, it will be the week of May 6th-9th, just so you know [ profile] branflake. But other exciting travel news for May 8th-15th. Don't want to say much until we figure out logistics. Jinx and all that. Vacation would be nice, though. Haven't really taken one since August of '05. In this case, we'd be stupid not to go. Would be a great way to celebrate our 2nd wedding anniversary, especially since we never took a honeymoon.

ETA: [ profile] smileypv, I just checked the mail and we got your gift for Jonah. Unfortunately, it's the same thing we gave him for his birthday and we even have another duplicate in the closet we need to exchange from someone else. But thank you! It really is a great gift obviously, unfortunately great minds think alike. The card is too cute. Thanks again, from Jonah!
mellymell: (ank)
Well, my official stance on 2005 is that it sucked great big donkey balls with the exception of 15 days in August that we spent out west (which was immediately followed by Hurricane Katrina). Sure, there have been great moments. Sure, I've had good times. No, it wasn't all bad by any stretch of the imagination. But most of it seems to blur into obscurity when measured beside the crap and just overall funk I've felt for the past year (maybe longer?).

So, we spent NYE appropriately. 2005 didn't deserve a throw down party. It deserved sitting at home, by ourselves, watching cartoons, smoking cigars and drinking beers. Let it slip away into memory quietly, rather than the fond send-off celebration. Matt and Christina stopped by for a bit, but left long before midnight. [ profile] branflake, called at midnight and that was nice and thoughtful of her.

So, 2006, gotta be better right? Damn straight! I'm going to do whatever I can within my power to make it better. Resolutions, yeah, I've got 'em. They're all very general this year. I'm feel like I'm becoming myself again (even if some people are still seeing me as someone different, that's their delusion, not mine). That's a start.

Love and light in 2006!
mellymell: (Default)
I used to love the Bangles. Everyone has their guilty pleasure band I suppose.
Back at work on Monday morning. . . Monday's seem so surreal lately. Guess its the fact that I've really been able to let go the past few weekends. I don't have as much to worry about I suppose, unless I'm at work. We're getting caught up on bills, granted we're broke, but there's less pending that we have to worry about. I guess that helps a lot. There's nothing I hate more than worrying about money. Stupid currency. Who in the hell decided that a piece of paper or a coin made out of cheap metals is worth something?
But lately I get to work Monday mornings and it feels like I have to think in an alternate mind set. I have to rework my personality to interact with my co-workers, and really, it just doesn't feel natural anymore. More evidence everyday that something is telling me to get out, that I need to be doing something else. But what? I guess if I start listening, the powers that be will let me know that as well, or at least show me the path to the answer. Feeling a desperate need to do a tarot reading, haven't done one in soooooo long. I've neglected that side of my life for quite a while, leaving it up to life experience. Maybe its time to pick up the books again. There are just a lot of questions starting to raise in my mind, and I know the last time this happened, schooling myself and opening my mind seemed to give me most of the answers. At worst, it couldn't hurt anything.


mellymell: (Default)

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